Still searching for peace

Page 15

Diagnosed with HIV in 1989 and developing AIDS two years ago, Ken Ward was the first Aboriginal in Canada with the disease to go public. Now, with the disease advancing, Ward is throwing all his effort into what he fears is his last chance to get Aboriginal people to listen and take warning of this deadly disease.

"We have a disease here in Indian Country and it has to be dealt with," said the 41-year-old AIDS victim.

Ignoring the disease isn't an option.

"I wish I could sit back and say my life is at peace, but realistically, I have to contend with this disease, he said.

With his physical state deteriorating, Ward is more determined than ever to get the message across that leaders of Aboriginal communities have to come forward and take a major role in AIDS awareness and join with the rest of the community to prevent it from spreading.

"It has to be a community effort including the leadership, and we have to cater to the attitude issue. Community denial is still there, strong and breathing," he said.

Ward sees gang problems, alcohol and drug abuse amongst youth at Enoch and other Aboriginal communities, and anticipates such behavior patterns as eventually leading to the world of AIDS.

"As an ex-user, I see the patterns. I can see these people being potential sitting ducks, setting themselves up for this disease. We do have a drug and alcohol problem and we need to focus on that," he said.

Raped at 13, Ward knows first-hand how sexual abuse can lead to low self esteem and self-destruction. It was this horrible incident that led to a life of drug abuse that he said "brought death knocking at my door."

As a result, he's convinced sexual abuse has to be dealt with through education in conjunction with proper communication within families.

"Parents, your kids go home from an AIDS workshop and they're armed with information, but they have questions about sexuality and relationships. If the parents close them down and say, 'I don't want to talk about it' or 'it's evil,' that circle of education is broken and the kids are left hanging with all these questions," he said.

Initially, fear of rejection forced Ward to lie about his illness, telling people he had cancer. Coming to the reality he was going to die, he broke the news to his brother and the rest of his family. With ongoing support from Elders and other members of the community, he went public promising to educate himself and others about the disease.

The next step was forgiveness. Ward stresses this is a very important step for any AIDS victim.

"I accept I have this disease and I need to forgive myself because I was responsible for setting myself up for this. I was a junkie years ago. I remember banging (needles) one time with this guy in a hotel room. I remember the phrase, 'one bang won't hurt you' - well this one certainly did."

There was an initial struggle about whether to choose modern medicine to treat his illness, but strong positive forces from the Native community led Ken toward traditional methods.

"The journey of cultural and traditional beliefs has certainly been a positive experience for me. This ceremonial walk was important in giving me balance. But you have to be committed to it for the rest of your life," he explained.

After his immune system began to deteriorate in 1995, he chose "white man's medicine." Last year, the drug began to lose its effect and he discontinued use after pondering the fact there was a possibility of becoming very ill.

"I don't know how long I have. To be honest, I'd be surprised if I live past this year. That would be a miracle. I can feel it right now, forgetfulness is happening and the energy level is not there as it used to be," he said.

Although he still continues to work on projects to fight AIDS, including a plan to visit jails where the disease is rapidly spreading, Ward's biggest search now is to find somewhere to spend his final days.

"I have to be realistic and find a home where I can die in peace. I want to diewith dignity. Many end up overdosing and I can understand why, but not me.

I am not giving up hope. Hope never dies for me."

Ward said one of his biggest regrets is never having a wife and kids.

In the years since his diagnosis, Ward has visited Aboriginal communities all over the country sharing his story, written a book of poetry entitled And Who Will Hear Their Cries, and directed a film I Will Not Cry Alone, to be released next month. Through these and other projects, he's dedicated his life to educating people about prevention.