Fostering is a lifestyle choice

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It takes special people to be able to open their hearts and homes to other people's children, care for them and want all the best for them that life has to offer; and that's what Laurette and Ken Vare are, special people.

They will be paid tribute to at the Alberta Foster Parents Association annual conference to be held in Red Deer in November. They have been chosen as this year's Aboriginal Foster Family of the Year from the southern region of the province.

The Vares have been fostering for six years, choosing to do so after they had already raised four boys of their own.

Laurette laughs when she thinks about the challenges she's faced raising girls after having a house full of boys.

"They have their moods, hey?" And I think 'Oh gosh, please.'"

And you can hear the concern in her voice when she talks about the learning curve she faced with her first foster child, a youngster with full-blown Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS).

"I didn't mind taking care of him, but I didn't have any knowledge as to how to meet his needs, his emotional, physical needs. I didn't know a whole lot, but I know a lot now. We had him for two years, so I really got educated really fast."

Laurette was raised in foster homes herself, so she's seen fostering from both care perspectives, from being provided for to providing for others.

One of the most difficult things she had to endure as a child in foster care was being without her siblings.

"Me and my sisters, we were in different homes and we never got to know each other until after Ken and I got married and then I started having my two younger sisters to visit me quite a bit. Up until then, we had no communication, nothing. I told Ken, it hurts me when I see families separated. It's not right."

That's why she now asks about siblings before she takes another foster child into her home.

"I ask 'Have they got siblings? Do I have room for these kids, you know, in my home, in my heart? Do I have room? Can I make room?'"

And she understands that as a foster mom she is not replacing another child's parent.

"When I was in foster homes, I was always forced to call them mom and dad, and I always kind of found that offending, because I have my own parents. I knew who they were ... so I've always said, 'No, you call us Ken and Laurette with love, you know, because I am not your mother. I will never be your mother. I can never take the place of your mom in your heart, so do not call me mom. Call me Laurette with love and that's OK with us.' Laurette with a loving tone, eh?"

Currently, Laurette and Ken have four children living with them, two boys and two girls ranging in age from eight to 15.

"To me, it's the most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life. I will keep doing it as long as God wants me to do it. As long as my health stays up, I will keep doing it," Laurette said.

Katherine Jones is the executive director of the Alberta Foster Parents Association. She has been fostering children for 17 years. And while that seems like a long time, Jones said there are foster families in Alberta that have been fostering children for upwards of 40 years.

"It becomes a lifestyle," Jones said. "People who stay in fostering for long periods of time, it becomes their life. It is who they are; it is what they are about. They have a passion for it. They have a passion for the children they serve. It becomes their lifestyle.

"I know myself, I have been fostering for 17 years, and at times I've thought, 'Hmmm, I wonder if I should be retiring from this.' But it's really hard to even imagine life without the kids involved."

Jones and her husband had children from previous marriages, but when they got together, they wanted to have a family of their own. They decided there were already children in the world that could use their love and guidance so they decided to take the plunge and become foster parents.

"That was how we decided we would foster. We would take ina child and have our family that way. Give something back to our community, back to society because it's been good to us."

The trick to fostering children comes with the mindset that the goal of the foster family is to parent the children until they can be placed back with their biological families or transition to an adoptive family, said Jones.

"People getting into foster care should really understand that these are not their children. They are on loan to us. Or we have the honor of being parents to them for a short period of time. I think it's very important that anybody wanting to get into fostering should understand that and never lose sight of that," she said.

"It's very difficult. It is extremely hard, but you should always keep in mind what is in the best interest of the child. Not a personal gain. There have been kids in my home that it has devastated me when they have moved on. I miss them still. But I keep in touch in other ways. I'm still a part of their lives. I'm just not their care provider now or their parent. I'm more like an auntie or a grandma to some of them."

October 17 to 23 was foster family week, a national event that recognizes the effort, patience and genuine caring people are putting into raising the children of those, who for one reason or another, can't put in that effort, patience and caring themselves at this time.

And from Nov. 28 to 31, foster families from across the province will gather to take part in a series of workshops and social events that will help them improve their service to those children. The association's annual conference will provide training in a wide variety of areas with such topic as: Birth order: How it effects your life, and Street gangs: What you need to know.

There is also a workshop on parenting Native children with child welfare worker Arlene Vrtar-Huot. It is meant to help foster families understand the devastation of Native culture and communities as a result of colonization and the reidential school experience.

Vrtar-Huot said she hopes that her workshop opens the door to give foster parents the words to help their foster children understand what may have caused the problems their parents are experiencing, and in doing so, remove the shame that some children feel about being in care, or the circumstances of their lives.

"When a child knows there is a reason for mom and dad being so addicted to alcohol and so disfunctional as parents, when there is an understanding 'Well,maybe mom and dad were raised by unhealthy people that have gone through the residential school system,' when there is an understanding of that, I think the judgement that children would give on parents that lost their parents to the system wouldn't be so harsh. And I don't think there would be so much attached shame."