Will you be there when I die?

Page 19

Creator, something has happened that I never expected would. Now I am left wondering, why now?

Living with AIDS has brought me to new levels of understanding that I never knew I could reach and I have learned to accept the loneliness which affects my existence and survival.

It's been 40 years now, and I have long wondered if I could ever have a mate or partner. I never imagined falling in love would become a reality. Especially after being physically raped, then being raped again of trust at the age of 13 because of a number of negative experiences in foster homes. This loss of trust was followed by much confusion and a great deal of pain and hurt. I did not feel worthy enough for the love of another person. I never thought that I could fall in love. . .

. . .until someone came into my life quite unexpectedly. My thoughts were consumed with my being diagnosed with AIDS, but then another test on this road we call life was sent to me. And why now? What to do with these feelings I now must endure. I look to you Creator, because making decisions on the moccasin trail is made more bearable by prayer.

You see, this person I met comes from the street and lives in both worlds. This person has dreams and hopes for tomorrow, just like I do, the only difference is that my world is one of responsibility, commitment and some control in my life. What I have learned from this person is that people on the street do not like to be controlled. They are free spirits. Many enjoy the night life and its thrills.

The conversations we had formed our relationship. The barrier of mistrust, once so very strong, was replaced by openness. Every hot button in my being was pushed, and I felt myself becoming deeply attracted to this person. Somewhere along the way I realized that this person's actions were unbalanced, and I decided I wanted no part of it. I choose to preserve what I had earned - my dignity.

It was not an easy choice for me to make, Creator. Perhaps you allowed me this time to experience what could have been. Something to savor, to make up for all those lost and lonely years that I have been cheated of.

So I thank this person simply because I realized that even with AIDS I can perhaps, just perhaps, find that certain someone. In my heart, I wish to share in a special relationship. To experience the bond of this thing called love.

I also realize that I must have the courage to let go, and this is very difficult for me to do. This is also a very personal thing for me to share, Creator.

I am concerned that those individuals who are diagnosed with HIV/AIDS must also be tormented or torn as to whether or not they can be in a romantic relationship. Would these people just surrender because they find it too hard to love other beings because of the disease and all its self-inflicted barriers.

Some people would do the drinking and drug thing to try and erase the pain of being mateless. Some would contemplate suicide and, sadly enough, others would not even want to talk about their particular situations.

Speaking for myself, I am fortunate that I am able to speak of my despair. It has been a long and lonely search for me, but the love that I found, if only for a brief moment, was well worth what I have had to endure. In some ways it has made up for those 27 years of being alone. I find that I cannot be angry at this person for choosing the street life. I just think that our relationship was not meant to be. Perhaps in another life.

Regardless, I will continue on my journey with both moccasins firmly on the ground. I will accept the loneliness back into my life, and I will survive. But I will always wonder how this individual is doing back on the street.

In closing Creator, I would like to thank you for the First Annual Aboriginal Men's Wellness Conference held in Alberta. Those brothers made me proud as I listened to their stories of personal struggles and small successes. I would also like to acknowledge our teachers and th women who were present from Saskatchewan. I honor you all. By the way thank-you to Mrs. Beverly Ward who has been my typist for this work.

For those of you who may have had an experience like mine, I would just like to say that it is a hard life, but this life is appreciated and so I will carry on, dear Creator, in my moccasin miles for freedom.

Love

Ken Ward