THE URBANE INDIAN: A tourism idea whose time has come

It's not often I have brainstorms about topics not usually in my realm of expertise-in this case such as tourism-but if anybody is interested, I do believe I have a wining idea for the city of Saskatoon. It's a unique way to capitalize on some free publicity and for a service that already exists.

I got the idea when I was in Ottawa, of all places, attending an Aboriginal policy conference dealing with, ironically, many things Aboriginal. There were more Native people there milling about, drinking their coffee, than you could shake a beaver at. Later that evening, as everybody was decompressing and decomposing in a local establishment, a gentlemen from the Prairies leaned over to me, and for some reason, saw fit to tell me that he was from Saskatoon. I've always thought of Saskatoon as a fine town with a fine Native theatre company.

During the rest of the conversation, he confided that he had been on one of the famous Saskatoon Starlight tours, so thoughtfully provided by the local constabulary. I, like many Native people, had heard about these tours, but to me it was like having a chance run in with a sasquatch. You hear about them but they seem kind of rare and you are very unlikely to run into one, let alone in an Ottawa bar. But I was wrong.

But first, for those not quite up to date with their Aboriginal civil rights violations, Starlight tours are events where Native people are routinely picked up by the local authorities and deposited some distance out of town to fend for themselves in an often hostile environment. Evidently it was done usually for the mere amusement of those same authorities. To further increase the laughter quotient, the Native people's coats and shoes usually remained in the police car as pseudo salvation army trophies, as these poor individuals trudged off in search of justice, often through snow in the middle of winter. Like Ukranian dancing and drinking green beer, it's another fine tradition introduced to Native people by immigrants.

The most famous recipient of such a unique transportation opportunity was Neil Stonechild who was found frozen in a field outside the lovely city of Saskatoon some years back. However, it seemed to me living all the way out in Ontario that these so-called "tours" were few and far between. Regrettable, but hardly an epidemic. But my Ottawa friend told me these Starlight tours are far more common place than most of us Canadians are aware. In fact, my decompressing friend's nonchalance about the topic and his apparent adventure startled me. "I figured it was just my turn," he said casually. Evidently that was the attitude held by many. It's just what the police do out there, it seemed.

I figured the Saskatoon cops must have really gotten enthusiastic about my buddy and dumped him just outside of Ottawa instead of Saskatoon. That's one hell of a tour. But luckily, the man still had a coat and shoes, and a story to tell.

So, I started talking with this prairie dude and we got to thinking about how we should pitch something to the Saskatoon Chamber of Commerce about this unique and untapped resource. Starlight Tours ­ How to experience the Aboriginal lifestyle without being Aboriginal! I mean, there's only so much wheat around to keep Saskatoon in the money.

Think about it ­ the police pick you up directly at the airport. And let you off just outside the airport. Aerobically it's great with all that walking and occasional running. Lots of fresh, brisk air. You will need a decent health plan though. And just like a visit to the plastic surgeon, it's all kept really confidential. Nobody will ever know you're there.

In tourism terms, it will just be like going to the Niagara region of Canada for a wine tasting tour. The fee: a donation of your jacket and shoes to the Goodwill. Next time you're in Saskatoon, take a look around and see how many homeless people of the Caucasian persuasion are wearing shoes that smell of Aboriginal sweat and wearing jackets with the names of First Nations on the back.
I don't know if the Chamber of Commerce or the Police board would go for it. God knows it's providing enough publicity for the town already but not really making them any money. Maybe it's just a matter of perception. Maybe they should think of it just like Alberta oil, it's already out there, waiting to be tapped. But unlike Alberta oil, it's a highly renewable resource. Lots of Indians and lots of cops. A symbiotic relationship.

Christmas will be here in seven months. Think of it as something to give somebody who has. . . nothing.