Things that I hate

Page 5

In this life, we sometimes come across many different things in our experiences that annoy us all to hell. I humbly offer up these incidents and occurrences as examples of the inconsiderate nature of reality-as they pertain to yours truly, for what its worth (like anybody cares).

1. I hate it when people do not signal when they change lanes, both on the highway and in the bowling alley.

2. I hate people who, when driving a car, feel the need to comment and complain endlessly about people in other cars who do not signal when they change lanes, feel the need to double park, have the nerve and bad taste to own and operate a mini-van, or use the brake when going downhill. This is why I end up biking most of the year and/or falling asleep within thirty seconds of entering somebody else's car.

3. I hate it when people continually ask me what do I want for Christmas. To me, that takes all the fun, suspense and excitement out of the whole present-opening ritual. Why bother waiting until Christmas morning? Besides, it's practically impossible to put Jessica Rabbit in a box.

4. I hate when people (Native and Non-Native) use Native tradition for their own personal enrichment. Once while working on a play, a Cree gentleman told me he loved the shirt I was wearing. And according to Cree tradition as he perceived it, it seems I was obligated to give him the shirt off my back or I would deeply offend him culturally. So, shrugging with sensitivity, I started to take the shirt off and casually said, "Gee, I really like your girlfriend." Oddly enough, I got to keep my shirt-though I was certainly willing to honor this sacred Cree tradition if he was. Perhaps I was more traditional than he thought he was. Oh well, the offer's still out there.

5. I really hate it when my girlfriend, for some silly reason or another, threatens to castrate me for some little misunderstanding that wasn't really my fault. Wouldn't you find that really annoying? It's enough to make you sleep on your stomach for the rest of the year.

6. Even though I am a dog person, I really hate those small little yappy dogs that serve no logical purpose other then to get on your nerves and make walking in parks difficult. I don't even know if this is a reserve or Native thing, but I refuse to own or like any dog that can't out-run me.

7. I know it may seem like I'm jumping on the bandwagon, but trust me, I really hate karioke. If I want to hear tone-deaf people trying to sing country songs that were out-of-date back when the singer (and I use that term loosely) was born, I can just go to a wedding back home on the rez. The drinks are cheaper.

8. I really hate it when people refuse to return phone calls. And I'm not talking about your regular guy down the road who simply forgets. I'm talking about people whose responsibility it is to interface with the public. Case in point: some time ago when I was the artistic director of a Native theatre company, we applied for a grant with the Aboriginal department of a large national bank. Time passes and we heard no word. I proceeded to do a follow-up to inquire as to the grant's status. At least 27 phone calls to the Aboriginal department head in more than five months resulted in absolutely nothing. Just an answering machine and no returned calls. I know the banking system is not part of our Aboriginal culture, but neither is rudeness. I will name the bank and the Native president of that department to the first 10 people who phone me and leave a message. I will return the call.

9. I (and most actors) hate it when people use touring theatre performances on the reserve as a baby-sitting station. I have heard many an actor and actress lament the fact that many of the communities they perform in send their kids down to the community centre just to get them out of the house. With little supervision, the kids tend to run across the stage during the show in front of them, causing great disrespect for the performers. I remember tose glorious, anarchy-filled days of youth. . . unfortunately anarchy and remembering your lines and blocking do not usually go hand in hand.

10. I hate colds. I know I am not alone in this one but every time I come down with one of these little head-cloggers, I can't help looking at the nearest white person I see and thinking to myself "another fine gift your people gave me." Granted there is some disagreement about whether Native people had such an affliction prior to contact, but then again, most historians believe syphilis came from the New World (Turtle Island), since the first recorded case wasn't reported till sometime in the 1530s. On reflection, I would actually rather have the cold.