Reach out for help in dealing with your uncle

DEAR AUNTIE

Dear Auntie:
My uncle is an important person in my life. He sits and teaches me stories and songs and he takes me hunting with him and talks about the land, and all kinds of interesting stuff. But lately, he’s been different. He’s been drinking, and he’s not the same person. My mom says she doesn’t want me around his house anymore. Says something bad is going to happen someday there. I want my uncle back. What can I do?
Signed
Missing My Relative

Dear Missing My Relative:
I hear your tender feelings of uncertainty, concern and confusion because of your uncle’s drinking and isolation. In my two decades of trauma counseling I have reminded many people in your situation not to feel alone on a planet with so many people.

There is a lot I do not know about your uncle’s journey or history with addiction. Drinking is a coping method he knows. Sadly, isolation is often part of addiction for many reasons. These reasons could be because of feeling embarrassed, not wanting to lash out at loved ones, memory flashbacks, break-up, an anniversary of a loss or a number of untold experiences that may fuel your uncle’s stress levels.

When it comes to your mom asking you not to go around his house for fear of something bad happening, get more information. Her caution is too vague. When we do not know what is going on humans tend to make up stuff to bring down feelings of uncertainty.

If the fear is that your uncle may hurt himself because he has said so or has made suicide attempts in the past, ask your mom if this is a real or imagined concern. With more information you can begin to make a wellness plan for both you and your uncle.

Whether suicidal feelings are involved or not you will want to think who in your community offers professional crisis support or referral options. This may even be a call to the kids’ helpline, crisis line, youth worker or local hospital to build up support for your uncle.

Ideally, you have a support worker that can make a visit on your behalf or go with you to see your uncle. Visit with someone as a way for your uncle to be on his best behavior and witness your concern and love for him.

Take a risk and be honest with your uncle about how his drinking and isolation makes you feel. Remember all you like to do together and make a plan to make time for each other by phone and visits outside his house, even just a short walk around to help break the isolation.
Explore what support your uncle needs and hope he opens up for you to join him on his continued journey.
Lovingly, Auntie

Dear Auntie:
So, my mom is getting married again. I don’t like it. It’s only been two years since my father passed, and now she’s found a replacement. And I don’t like the guy. He’s OK, but I think he’s just trying to use my mom to make his life easier. She wants me to be involved in planning the wedding, but I’d rather not. I don’t want to start a war, so how do I tell her to keep me out of it.
Signed,
Got better things to do

Dear Got better things to do:
Father’s Day just passing will surely have stirred up the grief for your dad further and your mom’s preparation for the next chapter in her life is, no doubt, bittersweet.

I think your ability to be honest with the limits of how supportive you can be is realistic, as everyone grieves in their own time and own ways. There is no need to feel that you must keep up with your mom’s pace to overcome the loss of your dad.

Your mom has her process and understanding of what she needs to plan her upcoming wedding. On the one hand she could be asking you to be in the wedding party, and the opposite might be rounding up food for the feast.

A grown-up conversation will need to happen with your mom about how you feel. I have learned over the years that the difference between complaining and communicating is the latter requires you to ask for what you need.

Assuming you have some interest, however modest, that will support your mom, you will need to declare a boundary of how you will be involved in the wedding.
Bridesmaids/best friends can take on the nitty gritty details in the planning and you will need to decide what you can offer.

In the spirit of being honest explore a compromise – which can be described as a co-promise and understanding of what everyone is comfortable with.
The community’s eyes will be on your family as the wedding plans take shape. While you may not be thrilled, this is your mom’s journey toward meeting her own needs and a day she feels worth celebrating.

The bittersweet truth is that your dad cannot be replaced but your mom wants that intimacy in her life again; she wants to love again is her reality. This is an emotional fine line but your grief and your mom’s wedding are two different outcomes of a common loss.

Perhaps one day you will appreciate your mom’s choice but she is role modeling how she deals with loss and we can hope it works out for her.

For now find a close friend or relative who will join you to have a conversation with your mom about what you need as boundaries that respect your grief and does not get in the way of your mother’s special day.

Practice ahead of time some possible ideas of how you are willing to contribute so that no matter where the conversation goes you have a bottom-line of what you are comfortable with.
Lovingly, Auntie

Do you have a question for Auntie? If so, please send the question via email to: letters@ammsa.com.
Please make sure the subject line states Dear Auntie.