OTTAWA REPORT

Page 2

I've got a complaint about all those tabloid newspapers you find at the supermarket checkout counter - the ones with Hollywood gossip and wacko stories about two-headed babies. My complaint is not so much about the quality of the journalism in them, but the fact that they never have any stories about Native people.

There certainly is enough material for the tabloids to publish a Native edition. It could even be called the Native Enquirer. Here's what I think a typical issue of the Native Enquirer might be like:

The person on the cover would have to be a Native celebrity with lots of Hollywood-type glamour and sex appeal. The closest we come to that description is the former orchestra leader, Jon Kim Bell. He's the Mohawk who singlehandedly established the Canadian Native Arts Foundation. He's got movie star looks and he'd look great on the cover of the Native Enquirer. Despite his good works, though the blurb on the cover would hint at a story inside that would tie him to an arrest, a divorce, a trip to the detox centre or an illegitimate child. The story would not have to be true or even be about John Kim Bell - remember these are the supermarket tabloids we're talking about.

The rest of the stories inside the Native Enquirer would be just as incredible as the contents of those other tabloids. At this time of year, for example, the tabloids list their predictions for the coming year.

The Native Enquirer would no doubt have a prediction for 1987 about a favorite tabloid topic - creatures from outer space.

It would probably go something like this: "The highlight of the First Ministers' Conference this spring will be a bizarre kidnapping. An Indian chief from western Canada will explain his absence from the conference by saying that he had been kidnapped by aliens and held hostage on board their flying saucer. The article will go on to describe how the chief had been drugged and held for three days before he escaped.

A second prediction will involve a politician and another popular tabloid subject. In September, the Native Enquirer will report that a former minister of Indian Affairs is dying of AIDS. Although 90% of AIDS victims are homosexuals or drug addicts, the former minister will hold a news conference to deny rumors that he is either. A wave of hysteria will then sweep the country as thousands of Canadian mothers begin to panic. They will worry that their children have been infected with AIDS because of the habit

that politicians have of kissing babies during the election campaigns. Mothers in Indian country won't panic, however, because it will soon be learned that the former minister of Indian Affairs never kissed any Indian babies.

Another common feature in the tabloids are stories about ghosts - usually the ghost of Elvis Presley. The Native Enquirer could easily do one of those with a prediction that a well-known Native actress will announce in mid-summer that she is pregnant - and the father is the ghost of Chief Dan George.

So much for the predictions. The Native Enquirer would also have to be a trivia

column in true tabloid style about Native celebrities. For example, Native Women's Association of Canada president Marilyn Kane could share her favorite recipe. Pat John, the Indian who plays the role of Jesse on the Beachcombers television show, could answer fan mail about his likes and dislikes. And Native Councl of Canada President Smokey Bruyere could reveal his most embarrassing moment.

Since the tabloids always have stories about medicine or science, the Native Enquirer will have an article about a miracle cure for cancer. It will come from a New York city doctor named Smith. After studying the legends of the extinct Beothuk Indians, Dr. Smith will announce that cancer can be cured by eating the root of the skunk cabbage.

Tabloids are also big on dietss so the Native Enqirer will have a special diet for Native people. Obese Native readers will be told they can eat anything they want ad still lose 20 pounds in just the first week. All they have to do is smear their body with melted lard and climb into a giant tub of dry bannock fixings (raisins are optional). A former scientist at the National Research Council says that diet works because a bath in bannock-and-lard pulls the fat right out of the skin.

So if the Native Enquirer did exist, that's just what it would contain - stories about ghosts, AIDS, men from Mars, a cancer cure, a quack diet, celebrity gossip, personality trivia and outrageous predictions. Now that I think about it, I'm glad the tabloids don't have any Native content. But you still might see some of the stories I've mentioned in your local supermarket, but just remember one thing - you read them here first.