Ottawa Report

Page 2

Chiefs get a 'free lunch' but who's using who

Somewhere in southern Saskatchewan a phone is ringing. It's ringing in an Indian band office. The chief picks it up. It's a fast-talking character named Bernie.

"Hey, Chief, I caught your act in South Africa. What a performance! Lemme tell ya! Ya made Page One on newspapers all over the world. In fact, I'm sending you a package of press clippings. Ya'll love'em! Tell ya what, though, we got to act quick and cash in while you're hot."

The chief decides to make a suitably modest reply until he can find out what Bernie has in mind. "I was only doing what was best for my people."

"Yeah, good line, good line. But I tell ya what. I got a deal for ya that is just too good to pass up."

"What's the deal?"

"Well, Chief, I've got a dozen foreign clients who wanna know if ya wanna visit their countries ? all expenses paid of course."

"Which clients are which countries?"

"I'll tell ya the others in a minute, but here's the number one on the list. The country is Iran and my client is ? get this, Chief ? The Ayatollah Khomeini himself? I tell ya Chief, you're hot! We gotta act now!"

"What do I have to do?"

"That's the easy part, Chief. Ya just gotta do the same thing ya did in South Africa. The Iranians will arrange everything. Ya know the routine ? a quickie tour of the tourist spots, a few meetings with some friendly Iranians and a couple of banquets. No sweat!"

"But there's a war on over there."

"Ah, don't worry about it. Ya won't be anywhere near the war zone. Besides, ya don't think the Ayatollah will take a chance on losing a publicity machine like you, do ya?"

"What do I get out of it, Bernie?"

"Look, Chief, ya say ya want to establish ties with other nations, don't ya? Well, here's your chance! The Ayatollah says he'll recognize your sovereignty. Ya can even exchange ambassadors and establish diplomatic relations."

"Okay, so they got a few rough edges. Forget that idea. But ya can still set up a student exchange program with them like ya did in South Africa. The Ayatollah says he'll educate Indian students over there for free."

"Bernie, it's got to be a better deal than that South African thing. Our students will be forced to study the Afrikaans language there."

"Bad news, Chief. The Ayatollah insists that all students will be required to learn the Farsi language. And he says they'll be strongly encouraged to convert to the Islamic religion ? and ya know how convincing those revolutionary guards can be. Oh yeah, Chief. There's no booze allowed. They're Moslems and they're really strict about booze."

"Geez, Bernie, I don't know. That doesn't sound like such a good deal to me."

"Hey, Chief! You don't have to quit drinking. Just the students."

"Oh. Well, I still don't know, Bernie. Is that all there is to it?"

"How about a free trade deal? Ya must have something ya can sell to the Iranians."

"Not really. All we have here are a few moccasins and some arts-n-crafats."

"Well look, Chief, ya got wheat growing there, right? And there's some potash and oil laying around, right? Well ya just have to dress up your press statement by saying that your free trade deal will include things like that. If anybody asks about it, just be vague and say the details haven't been worked out yet."

"What press statement?"

"Chief, Chief, Chief, you're a big boy now. Ya still don't believe in Santa Claus, do ya? Ya don't think the Ayatollah is doing this out of the goodness of his heart, do ya? You want somethin', he wants somethin'."

"Well, what do I have to do?"

"That's the easy part ? the same thing ya did in South Africa. Ya just say that Iran isn't such a bad place after all. Besides, ya can say that Canada is even worse."

"What if someone asks about all those hostages the Iranians have captured in Lebanon? Or what about the way the Iranians have been killing off all the Bahai people ? for nothing?"

"Look, all ya have to o is say that protocol problems prevented ya from meeting the Bahais. And ya can blame the media for giving the rest of the world the wrong idea about Iran. So whad'ya say, Chief? Yes or no?"

"I don't know. Who else do you have in mind?"

"Okay, here's the list. There Muammar Qaadaffi from Libya. He's one guy who could really use your help to polish up his image. And there's Mikhail Gorbachev. He's got a real media problem with all those Jews wanting to leave the Soviet Union. And then there's Idi Amin from Uganda. He's in exile, but he's still got lots of dough. Come to think of it, Baby Doc Duvalier isn't in Haiti anymore, but he's still rich. And I'm sure we can get that Bokassa guy."

"Who?"

"You know. The emperor from the Central African Republic who turned out to be a cannibal. I think he's in jail somewhere."

"No, Bernie. I'm not meeting anybody in exile, nobody in prison and no cannibals. I have to draw the line somewhere."

"Okay, if ya don't want them you'll have to go to Italy instead and meet the head of the Sicilian Mafia. And you'll have to go to Bolivia and meet the army general who's in charge of cocaine smuggling."

"Bernie!"

"Look, Chief. This will be a blockbuster if we can pull this off as a package deal. You'll be Page One for years. The think is, we gotta move now! We already missed Rudolf Hess."

"Who?"

"He's the old Nazi war criminal who died the other day. I tell ya, Chief, we missed a good one with him. That's why I say we gotta shake-a-leg. So what's your answer?"

"Okay, Bernie, sign me up."

"Fantastic! Terrific! That's just great, Chief. Ya won't regret it. But there's one more thing I forgot to tell ya. The Ayatollah wants a feathered headdress. He says if South Africans can get one so can he."

"Okay, Bernie, but on one condition ? if the only thing I get out of this is a free trip, then there's going to be no more economy travel for me. I'm a first-class Indian."

"Hey, no problem."

"Goodbye, Berne."

"Goodbye, Chief."