From One Raven's Eye

Page 7

The Kid cuts loose

Ahneen, say if you happen to have a cup of coffee or tea and a few minutes to spare, please pay me the compliment of reading on for the next little while.

As promised from last week, this is the part in which the foster kids is cut loose on an unsuspecting world.

After high school I went to university in the states for a year. Well, between woman problems and drinking problems I didn't have time or energy left over for classroom problems. As a result, me and my problems took off on a bus to Winnipeg.

Over there in those wide open prairie spaces my private problems had room to grow into large unmanageable ones. Soon after that the woman left and the mysterious figure of the law moved in to take her place.

This failed relationship was really my first chance to love and be loved. I simply tore that up being too frantic, demanding and inexperienced with that tricky and emotionally dangerous stuff.

That poor woman probably learned to avoid people as strung out as me. I learned that, too, but that wild-eyed, mostly-out-of-control person followed me around for years and years ago that.

After a jog through the green barred halls of justice which included a lawbreaking trip to Toronto, I headed back out west. One evening I pulled into the friendship centre hosted in Kenora, Ontario and who should be there checking in overnight guests but my mom. What a surprise.

That first time in court after reading my pre-sentence report the judge asked me what I felt about my parents.

I told him they meant no more to me than any other people struggling with the bottle out there in the street.

After hearing that,. he recommended I maybe should get psychiatric help. After how he handled my case, he could have used the head repairs more than me. It also turns out, though, that my answer to his question was completely wrong.

Remember last week what I said about foster homes, that they are and mostly always will be, less than what a kid's natural needs are. Well what I meant is that there is this tie, this bond, between parent and child that is deep, strong and virtually unbreakable. That tie can stretch over vast amounts of time and distance. Sometimes that stretching of it can weaken it so much that a relationship is no longer possible.

My mom told me about this eighteen-year-old who came back to Kenora last summer to find his natural parents. When he finally met up with his long lost dad, that man handed the kid $200 and told him to get lost. How that kid must have felt. But even in that - that heartache, that sadness - there is something there that needs healing and only those two can do it. Even in that, those two need each other still.

As for me, well that evening stands out as a turning point. Reuniting with my mom put me in touch with feelings in myself which had been neglected and denied so long that I didn't even feel like a worthwhile person.

It was a good thing she recognized me because I would not have remembered her otherwise, that's how far apart we had been.

My mother ended up there when I needed her, when I wasn't really headed anywhere and had nobody to turn to. Last week I talked about getting a few breaks along the way. Well this was one of the big ones.

My brother and sister still hold a lot against her for their troubles and confusion. Who can say they are wrong. Everybody reacts differently to stuff and at their own personal speed, too.

Mom has never once counselled me or offered me advice on my problems.

She had been sober five years when we met up back then. Between that bond and that steadying influence she has quietly helped me over some mighty large hurdles.

About the same time, I met my wife. We've been together 12 years now.

Another good thing I lucked into.

She works in a daycare these days. She can go up to a child she's never seen before and in no time at all have the kid laughing, or hugging or telling her all sorts of stuff. She relates to adults in that same immediae, trusting, helping, connecting way. I've often told her that I would gladly exchange what I can do for what she can do if only I could. She has taught me many valuable things like that, and helped me understand myself and my feelings better.

When it came to re-establishing myself in the Native community, that was scary.

The acceptance varied. Most people accept you on the basis of your own self.

We made friends at both reserves we've lived at, and every time we meet those people, we shake hands and catch up on the news, both general and personal.

Some old people at Whitedog still only call me by the Ojibway nickname they had for me as a kid. Boy does that feel good. It's like they're saying "we always knew those kids would be back."

Yes, there is lots about myself I have to unlearn and somehow leave behind. There are many other of our own things I have yet to learn as well. Some of that fingerpointing and whispering about is good although it hurts. My uncle who sings powwows does it to me like a challenge.

The question I have for those fingerpointers is, if they were so right on, why did they let so many kids get stolen away and many have their lives ruined? In the old ways didn't someone take in orphaned and neglected kids and raise them up as their own? And also, is being mean and trying to put yourself above others an example to those of us who don't know as much about our ways as you?

Surprisingly, amongst the foster kids I know there is little of that kind of hostility. Like the tie between parent and child, just as strong a one exists between a kid and his culture. In other words, we aren't looking to escape or deny that circle, we just want back in.

How I look at all this these days is that everyone of us had a hard time along the way. Nobody had it easy. All we can do it try to help out those who are struggling with the same life and sanity-threatening stuff we experienced.

Words, whether written or said, don't amount to much. Somewhere along theline its the doing that matters most of all. Keep taking those tiny, painful, little steps, one after the other, and someday you'll look back over your shoulder and see how far it is you've come.

Anyways that's all for this week. Oh yes, we saw a crow on Saturday, March 22 - old news, maybe, but good news nonetheless. Another winter done, the days are longer and warmer, too. Don't you feel better already?