Nechi director Maggie Hodgson

Page 8

Addictions director

Kicking the nasty habit

Ruth: Have you ever smoked cigarettes?

Maggie: Yes, I have smoked for the past six years and previous to that I smoked or I didn't smoke for two years and I smoked for ten years before that.

Ruth: Were you addicted?

Maggie: I like to smoke. I was addicted. It was a habit. I think there were a combination of things I was addicted to. There was certain rituals tied into what I was doing.

Ruth: How did you know you were addicted?

Maggie: Every time I wanted to smoke I would get this big, knotty fist in my stomach that would say, I don't want a smoke, I don't want a smoke, get me a smoke and I will be happy. Once I would inject that smoke into my lungs I would sigh with relief that this need for nicotine was there. I would go without eating and I didn't mind it, that I would miss a meal, but I couldn't seem to go without smoking.

Ruth: What were some of the ways in which you defended your smoking?

Maggie: I defended my smoking by saying it was a way I was dealing with my stress for one thing. The other thing was I wasn't like an impaired driver. I didn't go and kill innocent people on the highway with my smoking, like impaired drivers do. I defended my smoking by ignoring comments like people like you would make. I never thought of all the people who burn by going to sleep with a cigarette in their mouth or that young driver who killed those young bicyclers when he was driving and bent down to pick up the cigarette he dropped on the floor.

Ruth: Are you affected by smoking?

Maggie: Now that I have quit, I'm a born-again non-smoker. Now other people's smoke bothers me. If I'm at a big meeting where a lot of people are smoking, it bothers me. When I was smoking I would go by my secretary's desk, steal her cigarette and would hage a few puffs, it was a ritual for me to have that mischievous puff. I'm affected by other peoples smoking when I'm in a stress situation and I see someone else in the same situation lighting up a cigarette. I'd think I'd love to have that cigarette. I've got to smoke! Give me that cigarette!

Ruth: What if you wanted to? How would you handle that?

Maggie: If I really wanted to, I would say out loud, "I really want to have a smoke but I'm not going to."

Ruth: Did you ever try to quit?

Maggie: I tried and I tried until I almost died.

Ruth: Why?

Maggie: I have a kidney disease and because the last thing I should be doing is smoking. My throat would taste like somebody crawled in and died and forgot to get out by morning. I'm sure my mouth would taste as bad as people who wake up with a hangover would taste after having a big night's smoke; staying up with my friends talking and smoking cigarettes. I knew I use to hate myself in the morning for having smoked the night before because I'd even wake up with a slight headache from smoking too much.

Ruth: What were some of the ways in which you tried to quit?

Maggie: I tried to quit by using Nicodents. I tried to quit by capitalizing on other people's praise who said "Oh, Maggie, doing a good job not smoking, doing a good job." I tried to quit by saying it wasn't too good for my health. I tried eating. I thought if I tried to eat my way out of my smoking addiction by buying gum and candy, the sunflower seeds or anything I could put into my mouth. But it didn't work.

Ruth: What method did you use that was accepted for you to quit smoking?

Maggie: I quit smoking because I didn't intend on quitting. That's how. I fasted for better health. When I came out of my fast, in the weekend of September 27, I came out with really no desire to smoke. When I used to want to smoke, I'd get a really big fist in my stomach from wanting to smoke. I haven't felt that since I came out of my fast. I suppose when I said I wanted better health that's one of the consequences.

I still intellectually think I would like to have a smoke but I think that is more from the ritual of having a smoke when I get on the phone, or having a smoke hen I got into the car. The actual desire in my stomach, I don't feel that.

Ruth: What do you think is the point of becoming and staying sober if we're perhaps killing ourselves with tobacco?

Maggie: I think that it's a new awareness of the different kind of addictions we have. Rather it be addition of food or in this case smoking, or others have additions to sex or gambling. I think there are many ways of creating chaos and of making our lives unmanageable. Through the program of self-help I belong to, which helps me to be aware how I can change things to be better in my life, one day at a time.