It's in the stars

Page 5

ARIES

Good News! This is your month. I hope you can afford the payments. The stars will truly shine on you for the next four weeks until you get the roof repaired. Enjoy life. Be confident. Grab the tiger by the tail, unless you are at the zoo.

TAURUS

This is the month for love. Taurus, be prepared to be swept off your feet because chances are he or she will be a janitor. Play hard to get before he gets to be hard. Love can be fickle, so don't be afraid of disappointment. That's why God created gas cans and lighters.

GEMINI

Wear clean underwear. Floss you teeth. Never tip more than 15 per cent. Call home often. Get a "real" job. Get a hair cut. Don't act so silly. Slow down, you drive too fast. You call that bannock!? Try to lose some weight. So, who are you seeing now? Your mother will play a more active role in your life this month.

CANCER

Don't forget to pee this month.

LEO

Ominous signs are everywhere. Beware of all one-legged men who stutter when they sing Aztec operas. They are everywhere. Caution and prudence should guide you during this fateful month-I am of course referring to Caution and Prudence Kakagmic, two guides at the hunting camp I go to.

VIRGO

Be careful how you spend your money. You might be susceptible to impulse buying. So do not buy more than one Ford Impulse car during this period. This is also a time for important and urgent decisions, so band councillors beware, this is not your month. Wear more plaid.

LIBRA

Children will play an important part in your life. Hopefully they will be yours. This would be the perfect time to work on your parenting skills. Remember, change diapers on baby more frequently than you water the plants. Or let them run free in the backyard, unadorned, as nature intended.

SCORPIO

This is an opportune time to settle all outstanding land claims and institute any new policies. From now on, any real estate or land sold to non-Native people will be strictly by the kilogram. Don't be afraid to have "All You Can Carry Sale."

SAGITTARIUS

Spring is here and it's time to get a new wardrobe. Or at least a new pair of rubber boots. Get rid of all your old clothes and greet the new season in style-naked. Enjoy the feeling of revitalization and renewal because from here on out, it's downhill for you.

CAPRICORN

Things do not look good for Capricorns this month. Make sure you are insured. Don't forget to say the appropriate goodbyes. Remember to make out a will. Or make out with anybody named Will. And if Will is a lawyer, do both. If you owe money, let them follow you and get it. Your lucky number for this month-911.

AQUARIUS

Take a Cree to lunch. If it's a full moon, have the pasta special.

PISCES

The 15th till the 18th will be your lucky days. Expect a run on pregnancy kits at the local stores soon after. Stay away from bingos but don't be afraid to try your luck at casinos. With any luck, chance will play a very big part in your life this month. Pisces should also look to their sign animal, the mighty salmon, for guidance. Except for that "floating belly up and really dead once the journey has finished" thing.