Give a piece of yourself this holiday [column]

Wolf Songs and Fire Chats

Every Christmas people everywhere go into a tizzy. They want to get the perfect gift. They want to spend their money on one that will be memorable, reflect all the emotion they hold for the person and be a keepsake that will endure for years. It causes a lot of panic. There are never a lot of calm faces as the big day nears. It’s more like the hordes of people in the malls are on the last leg of Survivor: Walmart or something.

I don’t buy a lot of gifts. Generally there’s just my two sons and grandkids now and that’s good because when I was in a relationship, buying for a woman was always difficult for me.  I mean, I knew her tastes in jewelry and perfume, sweaters and such but I always seemed to drive myself into a frenzy trying to do what everyone else does – choose the perfect, most exceptional thing. Some years I’ve really blown it.

The years I’ve bought for other people haven’t gone much better. I’ve been known to wander around lost in confusion as Christmas approaches and sometimes some of the gifts that I have chosen, while well intentioned, haven’t exactly measured up in the eyes of those I offered them to. I shared their disappointment when they saw what I had chosen. It’s best if I stick to books and music I think.

It all reminds me what an elder friend told me one year. I told him how the nature of Christmas had begun to really bother me and that I thought I might just boycott the whole thing. He said that the nature of gift giving had changed incredibly since purely traditional times and it was important that we remember how it used to be and maybe rekindle that come Christmas. The story he told me changed everything.

He said that a gift required reflection. He said that instead of fancy wrapping, elaborate cards and fancy presentations, that gifts were meant to be heartfelt and offered with a statement of what was intended. They were meant to be given hand to hand, with a good steady look in the eye and words spoken from the heart. It required humility and truth and acknowledgement of feeling. Given this way neither the giver nor the receiver could be disappointed.

He said that long ago, people would go out on the land. They would be hunting or trapping, gathering roots or firewood or just being out alone on the land. They would walk and start to consider the person they wanted to make an offering of a gift to. They thought about their qualities, the things that made them special and memorable moments they had shared. As they walked they would look at things and soon their eye would come to rest on something significant.

They would sit and inspect this object and think about the person. They spent a good deal of time on this because a gift was an honoring and the process of honor was a very spiritual act. They would return consider what they wanted to say and walk directly up to them and say something like: ‘while I was walking today I saw this rock and if you look really closely you can see tiny specks of blue in it. When I saw that it reminded me of you.

‘It reminded me of the day we sat by the creek when we were hunting. Everything was blue that day; the water, the sky and we saw that blue heron that day too. That was a magical day. I felt really close to you and I realized how much you mean to me. This rock reminded me of how very much your friendship means and how much it fills my life. So I brought this rock to you. When you look at it from now on it will remind you of our special friendship.’

It was the words that made the gift resonate to both the giver and the receiver. It was words spoken from the heart that recognized that the true gift was the motivation to seek something special out, to take the time to find something of the world that evoked the nature of the person.

That’s what giving meant in the traditional way. It wasn’t about how much was spent or how elaborate the gift or even the thrilled face of the person when the gift was opened. It was about the value of the person. It was about taking time to be on the land and letting it lead you to one special thing that said it all for you. So this Christmas give someone something special – give them part of yourself.

From my house to yours, Merry Christmas.