The 'Armageddon Bunker'

Page 7

A federal publication entitled "Home Fallout Protection, gives new meaning to the term "Nuclear Family."

The book put out by Emergency Planning Canada is a "how-to-guide" to constructing a fallout shelter in your own home.

The book tells us that this is "a normal and health activity." (Sure, just like jogging.) I have my doubts...but then again, we do live in the 80s, a time when "Star Wars" no longer refers to a George Lucas production.

Home Fallout Protection is filled with construction and design tips and a long list of particulars that we should all drag into our shelters with us.

For example, the book expertly advises that we take several changes of socks and underwear for each occupant. This leaves me wondering...did my mother contribute to the writing of this mayhem manual?

In addition, we are advised under the medical supplies list, to take one small pair of scissors (blunt ended). I have no problem with taking the scissors, but I am distributed by the words "blunt ended." There is a very chilling underlying message in those two words. This makes me think that I should dispense with the scissors and consider stockpiling valium instead. Things could get tense in the old Armageddon Bunker.

Other suggested items also make me a bit nervous. Under the equipment list it is suggested to take 12mm or rope. But an asterisk beside item (rope) points out that the rope is not considered "an essential item." I can read between the lines; the message is subtle but audible. I hear you, Emergency Planning. I'm not taking the rope or the scissors.

In addition, saws, hammers, and nails are also listed as "desirable but not essential items" So, readers, is the nuclear dust settling and the picture becoming clear?

The one item that has me most confused and befuddled is a "whistle." What does Emergency Planing suppose we do with this item - all whistle in the dark together?

The book also suggests that we wear shoes or sandals to prevent fungus infections. Personally, I don't think a bit of foot fungus is going to upset me half as much as being surrounded by radioactive fallout. Thanks for the hygiene tip, Emergency Planning, but I'm not taking any Absorbine Junior either. Actually I've decided to draw up my own list of items to take into my holocaust cocoon.

I think a strong and unfailing sense of humour is imperative, so I'm taking a collection of Slim Whitman albums, along with transcripts of sermons by Jerry Falwell.

I'm also taking my collection of Andy Rooney books, so I'll remember all the things in life that are truly important and relevant.

And I never go anywhere without my Alwyn Morris poster.

I also think it's sound advice to stockpile large quantities of Raid. I've been told that even before the dust settles, the cockroaches will be going for world domination. And last but not least, and because I'll need a clear vision of the future, I'm taking David Suzuki and Carl Sagan with me.

If we believe Emergency Planning Canada, life in a fallout shelter need not be unpleasant.

They have provided a reassuring graphic which clearly illustrates this point. On page 23 of the manual we see a graphic depiction of the Nuclear Family at home in their holocaust haven. Mr. Nuclear is sitting on a bench reading a newspaper and Mrs. Nuclear sits beside him with baby Nuclear cradled in her arms. Nuclear Jr. is across from them, sleeping soundly in the lower bunk bed. What is most striking about this picture is its feeling of calm and normalcy. The horror of nuclear war has been masked behind a depiction of coziness.

Actually, what is most disturbing and insidious about this publication is its pre-disposed attitude towards nuclear war. The book asks us to accept this horror against humanity as an inevitability. It states "the time has certainly arrived for an authoritative and reliable book discussing this most fundamental and practical subject in the Canadian context: fallout radiation and how to build a fallout sheler."

If Emergency Planning is sincere about wanting us to survive a nuclear war, then why not put out a publication which tells us how to build a nuclear safe world. For example, instead of giving us a list of fallout shelter supplies, why don't they give us a list of organizations dedicated to nuclear disarmament. Why don't they instruct us to educate ourselves about this most heinous of possibilities so that we can prevent it. Preventing nuclear war will ensure our survival. However, building fallout shelters will not.

We don't need a book to tell us how to build fallout shelters, what we need is a book to tell us what actions we can take against the proliferation of nuclear arms.

Or doesn't Emergency Planning Canada consider this a "normal and healthy activity."